Love and Marriage or Husband and Wife relationship advice.
Hi, this is love guru. The problem is never that people don’t love each other folks it’s not about that. When people get divorced it wasn’t because there wasn’t a time when they didn’t love each other.
It was their inability to resolve their conflicts in healthy ways. That was the heart and core of 99.999 percent of all those relationships that either terminate or if they stay together they stay together in a roommate kind of a capacity not really emotionally married or committed but nevertheless in the relationship.
Now how do we avoid that?How can we stay connected? Well we are talking about criticism and I had mentioned that the way my wife wants to be approached is to have me write it down and then I give it to her,she processes it and gets back to me.
There are only one of three responses.
One, “Listen I thought about it and I ain’t going to change no matter what so you better learn to live with it.”Well that certainly is another alternative right? Well and those are the three reactions.
Now the way I want to be approached is I want to know on a scale of one to ten either a two or a nine as to how painful it is going to be and then secondly if it’s a nine I need time to prepare myself.
We have a limit of about three hours and so unless you are on a plain or some other foreign circumstance that wouldn’t be conducive to that — but other than that other than that what I am talking about is.
I will get back to her and then I sit and then she gives me the criticism what ever it may be and my first response is to listen, the first response.
Now the reason I’m talking this threw with you very carefully is that we need to develop replacement skills, that is that whatever you learned growing up in your own family and your interaction in the family that you were raised in if it’s not functional.
If it’s not working if it’s not leading for the two of you getting closer together and helping you become your highest best selves, than we have to replace that behavior with another behavior.
And the behavior I am talking about right now is criticism and we need to learn to give that criticism and there is an art to doing it.
So with my wife for example when she says, “I have got a 9!” Then I get myself ready, I sit there I listen to her and this is the replacement skill I say.
Okay to whatever the criticism was. I repeat it back to her and then she confirms that, that indeed was what her concern was and now I know what it is.
I can’t always respond instantly and so we have agreed that there will be a little period of time where I can think about and process that and I will get back to her.
Now most of the issues that we are going to deal with in marriage or other relationships are not the child is playing in the freeways right now and you need 3 hours to get ready for this”
Most of the time we are going to be dealing with issues that we are upset about at the moment and probably the least capable of dealing with at that moment.
And so its really really wise to give yourself a minute or two to think about how you are going to process this information and I have some other suggestions for you on how to process your criticisms. newshindiplus.in Help for the husband and wife! love and marriage relationship! Thank you.
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